I thought the author did a fair job in the opening for a YA fantasy, but then comes Chapter 1 and it seemed to degenerate before my eyes.
Grammatically it was well-done (an occasional skip in tenses, but that was not frequent), but the story got a little too juvenile, even for YA, and the dialogue suddenly turned idiotic. Here's a scene example:
The warlock from the past, I'm assuming, saunters into the middle of a museum tour. I can't discern the age of the tour participants, high school? College? Elijah is supposed to be there to research a paper. He and his friend speak as if they are in high school, but everyone seemed shocked and offended when the wizard referred to him as a "boy".
Moreover, while some people can be brave when something truly unjust is occurring, the bravery of Elijah seems disproportionate to what's happening. Another example:
The warlock is being rude and pompous to the tour guide over an egg and Elijah is so offended he goes to the guide's defense? Really?
Then the dialogue and actions are over-the-top and very immature sounding, especially for an older man who's apparently wealthy. Example of the dialogue:
Caught off guard, the tour guide replied, "Sir, we're in the middle of a tour. Could you--" "I didn't ask about your little 'tour', sir, I asked about this egg. Obviously, I am here to conduct business; otherwise, I wouldn't step anywhere near this dump!" Then he goes on to throw a suitcase full of money at the guide's feet and when the guide rejects it he declares, "You damned fool, this is more money than you'd ever make in ten years! Perhaps twenty! A lifetime even!"
All the while everyone in the tour is just standing around watching, murmuring--except Elijah who is seriously offended. The whole book runs along this vein: arrogant, pompous, silly-sounding bad guy vs. ridiculously brave, silly-sounding youth.
I could barely justify giving this three stars since the dialogue and character development were lacking, but the writing was well-done mechanically and parts of the plot did have potential which was it's primary saving grace.
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