Reader left outside the story
The story was told in a manner of a narrator, or as if I were sitting with you and relaying facts of an event.
There was a detached feeling to the story because of this, making it impossible for the reader to step into the pages and participate in what was happening.
The second star was deducted because of the lack of punctuation. There were almost no commas separating that which needed a pause in thought, etc., or commas where there shouldn't be. Em dashes were also missing, making the reader stumble over the meaning. Here's a couple of examples:
(commas where shouldn't be) -"Nate was in the hall at the corner in his practices clothes, Arthenice saw him with Specht, the drug dealer..."
(missing commas) "Lino did not cry out even though the belt buckle each time it hit his skin was painful."
Word of warning to the reader: Although there is a lot missing in this story, the one thing this story does have is graphic content that is not appealing at all.
Another star was deducted for a bland, boring plot
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